and i'm supposed to feel bad?


-

talk to me about something other than your job, please.

the unpayable debt i owe

the buzz in my head. a clenched train ticket in my fist. the same route home.
nothing has changed.
sometimes there are twinges, cramps, knots of pain in my belly.
sometimes i think i see blood on my sheets.
when i bring them to my face, they're pristine hospital white.
always.
the notion that i've failed without even getting a chance to try doesn't dim

x

you send me a message, like a teenager. i'm too angry, i'm too hurt. you just sat there, last time i saw you. you sat there and let him rip into me like a rabid dog. you sat there until finally i tore myself away. the words that left your mouth were as awful as his.
you promised, you promised you were always going to be on my side.
and today you send me a message, like a teenager. "i don't really know what to say."
i'll tell you what to say.
"sorry."
"i shouldn't have let that go so far."
"i'm so sorry."
"are you ok?"
"how can we fix this?"
in this whole fucking debacle, people have overlooked most conveniently, how hurt i am. i am bleeding, i am bruised, i am limbless. this is physical, because if i think about how upset i am, how sad, how angry, then things will get worse. you've caused enough damage.
they talk about how it effects them. how it pains them, the void between us. i find it hard to care, when my throat still feels ripped raw from the things i was trying not to say.
it would have been easy for me to be as rabid as you two. i'm known for my viciousness. which is why everyone uses me as target practice.
i don't think i can be bothered anymore. i'll call it in, i'll let you see this as a victory.
but i don't think i'll ever let you in on any of my plans again.

x

it hurts too much, thats the general thrust of things. too much to make anything good happen

steeple to steeple

all the words i could have said, the apologies that died thick, poisoned by my spleen. all the truths i should have told, as the world tried to end around us. all the regrets i said i didn't have. the silence that cloaked us, the heat that burnt our nerve endings, our synapses.

all the times it could have been different.



was it my fault? when i tore down the sky, when i condemned God. when i opened my mouth. when i bought into repetition as a literary device of merit. was it my fault?

-

as children we were emperors, lords, ladies, baronesses, paupers, theives, sailors, pirates, military men, mermaids, pilots, librarians, accountants. we had vast possibilites, value, worth, as children.




endless filler. because as an adult, the possibilities and the value and the worth are harder to grasp if the dollar doesn't give you wet dreams.

"sometimes i look at you, and its brilliant, and i can see all the things we're going to do, and how we'll be immortal, stamped on to people's memories, and this huge wave of contentment rushes over me, and its just...just brilliant.

of course, other times you act like such a fuckwit it's hard to see how you managed out your front door alive."

history

it started with an itch under my skin and a deadline in my eyesight
it ended with a bloody fist and a bruised ego.
#
it's always been violent, with me. you need to remember that. it's always been violent because somehow i got violence confused with expression and decided to always wear a scowl.
#
you used to be so hungry for fame.
i've always been wolfing down the infamy.
#
it was pretense that brought us together, it was me who tore us apart. because i don't like being lied to, i don't like being cheated. don't try to slide the queen of hearts out of your shirtsleeve, she's been in my wallet for years.
#
i don't have cheekbones, talent or motivation. what i do have is miles and miles, gallons and gallons of bile and venom and vehemence because that's easier, isn't it?
you should know. you've got the same.
#
it was your fightclub against my lessthanzero
funny, that.
#
sometimes i catch a glimpse of you, in a sweaty club, in a darkened bar, in a brickcrumbling alley. sometimes i think you catch a glimpse of me, despite my best efforts.
#
sometimes you think people want more than you can give. you're wrong. they don't want what you have to give. they just want to know everything about you, everything that makes you you. they want to understand, because if they understand, then they can own. and if they can own, then they can be powerful.
don't you get it?
#
so you tried to destroy the dream you'd built. while i tried to reenact my nightmares.
we failed, miserably
victory never suited our complexions
#
my personality has always been a lie – i can spin them faster than i can say them. it may be that i don't want people too close, so i let them befriend someone else. maybe if i didnt, maybe you and i would have gotten on better.
except for the fact you do exactly the same thing.
#
twins.
we were always reluctant recalcitrant twins.
steeped in alcohol, spitting our teeth on the ground.
#
i started as an itch under your skin and a deadline in your eyesight
you ended with a bloody fist and a bruised ego.

the bitter single being

i know all these stupid couples. all these stupid couples with rings on their fingers and promises of forever on their lips, and these stupid people who can see five years ahead, when i can't even see if getting up tomorrow morning will be worth it. and all these stupid couples think i'm self absorbed, i'm selfish, i'm stupid. just once, i'd like them to notice.

x

i'm very tired. very very tired and if you asked, i'd tell you i was beyond tired, whatever that means. i can't see a point to all this anymore. after all, when no one thinks what i'm doing is worthwhile - why should i? and i know i used to talk about supernovas and i used to get back up so quickly, but there just doesn't seem to be a reason anymore. its offputting.

x

a lack of affection has always haunted my household.